John and Bethany Arndt

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Am I Trustworthy

Posted on by bethany

For the last month I’ve barely been able to function. I’m used to chronic pain but not with out drugs, and not combined with soul consuming nausea. With migraines, full body throbbing, stomach cramps, aching joints, dislocated jaw, neck pain, and said joy numbing, nausea, I’ve found myself in the hardest time of my life. For the last two days I hardly moved. Last night as I couldn’t sleep the pain felt so exceptionally I thought there must be a new problem, feels like I have bone cancer or something rotting inside me. Now I’m really not a fearful person, and that wasn’t the emotion, simply trying to reason about what could be causing such misery. Then I remembered…The enemy of my soul.

The Lord prepared me that pregnancy would be hard but I had no idea it would feel like this. Nobody else warned me! It’s a good thing I didn’t know, I would have been far less likely to agree. In fact, I’ve often wondered if the enemy’s assignment of sickness over me, starting 6 years ago was to prevent the very thing that is now happening… The production of a new life force destined for Kingdom exploits, another worshiper trained for the revolution, determined to see the King restored to His throne on earth.

My heart’s position has been vacillating between reverent submission with worship as my total goal for the day and sometimes an embarrassing and tearful pleading or sorts. I go back and forth. John plays the guitar every night, I lay in bed mustering up some notes as He sings choruses of worship. Sometimes I question my motives, do I think that if I worship Him more, relief will flow more freely? Actually, this happens all the time; He inhabits the praises of His people. But my heart’s true declaration is that if He never expressed one more act of love to me the rest of my life, He is still beyond worthy of all the world’s affection. I’m on to Him by now though. Sometimes He withholds our version of “mercy” for the sake of our training, (Heb 12) for the sake of an eternal goal (2 Corinthians 4), and for other mysterious reasons that I cant pretend to have insight on. I’m determined to be found trustworthy. I want Him to trust me with unanswered prayers.

My internal prayer has been, “like the watchmen waits for morning, so my soul waits for you Oh Lord. ” This has been coupled with a regular yet respectful inquiry of how long will I feel this way?

I found it humorous and challenging that after such a prayer that I was lead to this verse.

A voice calls to me… “Night watchman! How long till daybreak? How long will this night last?” The night watchman calls back, “Morning’s coming, But for now it’s still night. If you ask me again, I’ll give the same answer.” (Isaiah 21:11 MSG)

Of course things get worse before they get better, its called a healing crisis. In fact how miserable I am is only ironic confirmation of what He has foreshadowed in this upside down kingdom. Two things I’m convinced of is that there is full healing in store for me and that pain is no reflection of His faithfulness. In fact it’s a perfect tool to assess my own.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV)

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